FINALLY… AN HONESTLY DISHONEST CANDIDATE!
Who is Pat Schmeltz?
Pat Schmeltz promises you nothing and everything at the same time. Pat understand that a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do, and that nothing can keep a good woman down.
Pat Schmeltz is buying what you’re selling. And Pat hopes that you feel the same.
A few years ago, when social media and cable news declared that “shaming” was a type of bullying… Pat saw an opportunity and a strategy for a robust and successful political career. Pat Schmeltz embraces shame head-on. Pat Schmeltz knows no shame.
Pat Schmeltz can relate to you because Pat wants what everybody wants. Money, power and fame.
Why should you put your trust in Pat Schmeltz? Simply put… you shouldn’t.
Let your loser friends and family, once again, passionately cast their Stockholm Syndrome-fueled vote for some Republidouche or Dumbocrat. Why throw your otherwise meaningless vote away on Team Red or Team Blue? A vote for Pat Schmeltz is a vote for something this country is lacking… honest and transparent dishonesty.
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PAT’S POSITIONS & PROMISES
Is Pat REPUBLICAN or DEMOCRAT?
Does it even matter? Whatever the occasion calls for, Pat will always side with whatever decision pays the most money, wins over as many new friends as possible or advances Pat’s career. Just like any self-serving Republican or Democrat would do.
Pat's stance on TAXES:
While Pat certainly believes that government knows how to spend your hard-earned money much better than YOU DO… Pat also believes in your right to earn as much taxable income as possible. And Pat will fight hard, on your behalf, for that right.
What is Pat's position on GLOBAL WARMING?
When it’s hot outside, Pat believes that is clear proof of Global Warming. But Pat doesn’t discriminate against cold weather either. Pat believes there is enough calendar days each year to give equal opportunity to all temperatures.
Pat on FOREIGN POLICY:
Pat will build that wall. But Pat’s wall will have revolving doors every 100 feet to accommodate a 24/7 flow of human traffic in and out of the country. Pat will simply charge an admission fee going both ways. Make sure you save your receipt and get it validated at any participating retailer.
Is Pat PRO-LIFE or PRO-CHOICE?
Pat Schmeltz is pro-YOU!
Pat on GENDER & SEXUAL PREFERENCE:
Pat’s not defined by gender or sexual preference, and you shouldn’t be either. That’s shallow and tacky. Pat’s not a piece of meat.
Boxers or Briefs?
Commando!
What about HUMAN RIGHTS?
Pat Schmeltz sincerely believes that Human Rights are a basic human right. Period. End of story.
What is Pat even running for?
Pat is running so you won’t have to. We all know we can do better. But most of us are too busy to actually run for office. Pat’s doing it for you. Because Pat Schmeltz always puts others first. That’s the kind of person Pat is.
If Pat, Dolly Parton & Taylor Swift were on a plane that was about to crash, and Pat only had two parachutes... who would Pat save?
Pat’s no fool. Pat’s safely landing that damn plane.